We had our first 'How to have a Baby' class last night. For some reason they skipped the first part of 'How to have a Baby'. I guess they they figured everyone there was either pregnant or with someone who was pregnant and they probably already knew that part of the story.
So there we all were, self conscious and a bit on edge. The very start of the class, the midwife says "Lets just go around the group and introduce yourself and how many weeks pregnant you are - Lets start here...with you Paul (referring to my hand scrawled sticky label nametag). In a frenzied thought process that I suspect may have resulted in smoke being produced, I couldn't quite remember how many weeks pregnant we were. My panicked and inquisitive glances to my lovely wife were met with a look that said "what, why are you looking at me"
When time ran out and the entire room was looking to me for the aforementioned introduction and spouting forth of pregnancy information, it was then that I referred to my old friend and wingman - "humour" (at least that’s what I like to call it, Rach may disagree). "Hi I'm Paul and I not actually pregnant, but my wife is and she can tell you how many weeks pregnant we are" The response from the 'crowd' was satisfactory and I like to think that I was responsible for lightening the mood somewhat, in an otherwise tense situation. I did have a little competition from two of the other 'support partners' however, I am confident that over the next 5 weeks, I will be able to deal with them suitably.
I don't think I had prepared myself for the onslaught of pictures, diagrams, model pelvises and videos that greeted us as we walked through the doors. If I had have thought about it for a while, I would have realised that this was an educational exercise and as such certain 'learning aides' would be prolific. Once I got over the shock of such explicit graphic representations I settled in a little was OK with my environment.
Halfway through the class we had a little coffee break which in itself was hilarious. All the pregnant women made a bee-line to the toilet, all the guys went to the kitchen, each to make a cupper x 2.
After the coffee break we had more diagrams and videos before class was dismissed 2.5 hours after we started. I wonder if they could look at some sort of 'Online Learning' experience. It could be self paced, you could choose the extent to which pictures and diagrams are used. I wonder what else could be included in the online 'How to have a baby' class?
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11 comments:
So are you gonna tell us the humour you used?
Stevie i was hopeing i wouldn't have to explain this, but something strange happens when you are preparing to become a Dad. One of the modules at the class was suppose to be kept secret, but i feel i need to share it with thoses who haven't experienced such a phenomenon. The module was called 'Dad Humour 101' Part of the workshop was to learn the ancient art of delivering sub-par quality jokes in any/all contexts. My introduction to the class was actually the outcome of the workshop on 'Dad humour'. That is why i used the word 'satisfactory' when describing the crowds response. Aparently i have passed Dad Humour 101 with flying colors.
I wouldn't expect you to understand now, but i hope some day you will. I have decided that it is futile to resist this change and preferr to view it as a normal part of life. Puberty was when strange things were happening to your body. Preparing to become a Dad is when strange things start to happen to your mind.
Billy I think you'd have dad humour down pat for a while...
You could have online courses called "How to have an iBaby" which is pretty much like a normal baby but with a big click wheel in the middle and an earphone jack in the back. Or maybe "How to have an e-Baby" which is also much like a normal baby only it sells things at low, low prices but with overinflated postage costs and insists on being referred to as an "A+++++ seller!" Or of course, you could just go and buy a Tamagotchi which is just like a normal baby only more annoying, more dependant and rendered in only two colours.
However, the advantage of getting a Tamagotchi is that you can take the battery out. Someone said that real babies get their energy form the sun (solar) so there is no way to 'de-charge' them. The best you can hope for is that you particular miniature human is born with a mute button. I ordered one with said button and also the optional 'Auto-feed' function. I couldn't afford the 'professional golfer/tennis player' add-on.
Maybe try keeping your baby in an elevator that has been sealed shut and dumped on the dark side of the moon a la Superman 4?
i am dissappointed in this "how to have a baby class". it is an outrage that they thought that people in the class already knew the before getting pregnant part of having a baby. as a newly married man i know that there are instruction books out there but it is nothing like a tuition class. tisk, tisk.
p.s. blogger bounced me so i have a new blog: warfortruth.blogspot.com
Haha, just like the Sims, Billy. You need the new expansion pack, "All Kinds of Toothpaste".
I love the sims!
perhaps we could call the child "Sims". There are endless possabilities for jokes here!
Well said.
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